November 26, 2019
Just one of those -I want to die- because I am not good enough in life posts.

No matter how much you like him
He would never look at you
Because you don't exist in his world
Time to say congratulations.
I wish you happiness.
And move on....

This blog has turned into a rant blog.
Posting my thoughts really just helps me a lot.

I will make you pay for what you've done.

Thank you for reading.

To those people who treat me like trash.... I hope you live a happy life.
At the same time, I want to hurt you as much as you've hurt me.
I'd like to think that not all poisons work as fast when they entered your system.
Some poison work slow and painful but are just as effective.  

Suicidal

It's been so long since I last thought of how dying would be a really good escape right now. What triggered this? A family member is treating me like trash for something I can't fix as of right now. I don't know their reason, but we used to understand each other really well. I don't want to be ungrateful at all and am very thankful for everything they've done so far.

Getting the plug pulled so suddenly, I am feeling so unsure about my life decisions.

I hope they are happy about their life and will live a long a life. At the same time, I wonder when it would be my turn to make someone cry or sad?
 I've always kept to myself thinking other people can't hurt me this way. Slowly, I am trying to open up to some people. I hope I can make friends... and finally find someone I can share my sorrows with openly without feeling ashamed. I guess if you build a wall around you, you can still get hurt by members of your own family, those people that you can't completely shut out.

I always thought family is all I have and I should treasure them. I still do, some of them are such great people! But right now, I ...... I just feel alone and need friends.

How should I describe the feeling of being blamed for something you can't control. I really hate letting people down, I haven't been able to get better at that at all. sadly.

Eventhough I should know that you can't control everything, I just still can't help wanting to make everything work out.

What am I doing again?

Someone once told me, "You are not irreplaceable at work. If you were to leave, your boss would find a replacement the next day."

I should probably let go of negativity. Smell the fresh cut grass. Have the sun hit my face.

But I can't hear nor see anything else but criticism.

How do I describe the feeling? It's like having a giant swallow you whole and you are now inside it's stomach.

It's deafening and dark. 

Immer noch keine Entwicklung.