Suicidal

It's been so long since I last thought of how dying would be a really good escape right now. What triggered this? A family member is treating me like trash for something I can't fix as of right now. I don't know their reason, but we used to understand each other really well. I don't want to be ungrateful at all and am very thankful for everything they've done so far.

Getting the plug pulled so suddenly, I am feeling so unsure about my life decisions.

I hope they are happy about their life and will live a long a life. At the same time, I wonder when it would be my turn to make someone cry or sad?
 I've always kept to myself thinking other people can't hurt me this way. Slowly, I am trying to open up to some people. I hope I can make friends... and finally find someone I can share my sorrows with openly without feeling ashamed. I guess if you build a wall around you, you can still get hurt by members of your own family, those people that you can't completely shut out.

I always thought family is all I have and I should treasure them. I still do, some of them are such great people! But right now, I ...... I just feel alone and need friends.

How should I describe the feeling of being blamed for something you can't control. I really hate letting people down, I haven't been able to get better at that at all. sadly.

Eventhough I should know that you can't control everything, I just still can't help wanting to make everything work out.

What am I doing again?

Someone once told me, "You are not irreplaceable at work. If you were to leave, your boss would find a replacement the next day."

I should probably let go of negativity. Smell the fresh cut grass. Have the sun hit my face.

But I can't hear nor see anything else but criticism.

How do I describe the feeling? It's like having a giant swallow you whole and you are now inside it's stomach.

It's deafening and dark. 

Immer noch keine Entwicklung.

I don't feel so good...

This month has not been good on me.. actually it just started to go downhill last week, I thought it's going to stop and this Monday is going to be a new beginning but it's just going further south. My dudes, how to keep hanging on? I just want to wake up and for this nightmare to be over. It kinda hurts to pretend that you're fine when you're not...like when you're smiling and your cheeks are frozen in place.

Warum werde ich wie scheiße behandelt?
Ich verstehe das nicht.

Tolerance

People have such firm opinions.
Sometimes they even want to change your opinion to match theirs.
Why can't they be tolerant or more understanding instead of undermining someone else's idea?
I guess, I did have a point in my life where people's words drastically influenced my day to day.
Right now, I feel that I am a little bit better at coping with insults.
I guess, for me... I learned that not everyone is going to like you.
And that's ok.
If someone has a different opinion.
That's ok.
People sometimes do bad things.
Stay levelled
Be more understanding.
 

When your job is not secure

I haven't been feeling well again.

Something happened at work...

And ... I just don't feel appreciated enough.

There are new changes.

And I feel like the rug is getting pulled underneath my feet.

It sucks when you feel like your work situation is not secure.

Like you could end up on the street the next day.

I wish happiness could exist at work.

After all these years, I still find it difficult to be happy.

I can't relate when they say, "work does not define you"... because I feel like it does.